You Should Be Here

"You should be here. Standing with your arm around me here. 
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, hey y'all it's sure been a good year. 
It's one of those moments, that's got your name written all over it. 
And you know that if I had just one wish, it would be that you didn't have to miss this. 
You should be here."
- Cole Swindell

This post is way more personal than I normally get. But if my goal is for my girls to be reading this as adults, I've decided it doesn't all need to be superficial. I promise it will still be mostly happy, but it's been a really tough month for me. I can remember when it happened, about 2 days after getting back from the deer camp after surgery, I felt this overwhelming grief over Mom again.  Anyone that has been through it knows what I mean when I say it's like someone punched me in the stomach (or is that just me?) You feel physically sick and just go through the motions. Because I was only a week out of major surgery, I chalked it up to that. I think what it was, was having Yaya take such good care of me and then getting home wishing my Mom was there to do it too. I didn't tell anyone I was feeling that way. It's silly, I'm 34 and it's been 6 years, but the pain was as real as it was that first year.  It probably would not have lasted as long as it did if I would've accepted it for what it was. But I kept telling myself it was just the surgery. Well, then the Cole Swindell song came on the radio on the way down to Baton Rouge yesterday. And I cried like I hadn't in a long time.

But I'm so glad I'm here. This is what I needed to get me out of it. Yes, of course I miss her. But there are still so many things here that make me feel like she is with me. From the pieces in the new house that still remind me of my childhood home
To her sisters' faces 
She had been feeling so far away but I needed to remind myself there is no way she can be.

I love you Mama, you should be here. But I trust God's plan. And to my girls, grief is a part of life. And there's no right or wrong way to do it. Don't try to hide it, it's going to come out eventually, and then you get to come out on the other side. 

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