Forever Changed

I remember a few days after my Mom passed away I told Matt I was forever changed even though I didn’t know exactly how. My heart ached and I wanted to do what I could to not make my children feel that pain until they were old and gray themselves. It definitely changed some habits and also made me live each day to the fullest and never let a day go by without telling the people I love that I love them. After grief like that it’s impossible to stay the same. 

Me and Matt have been through plenty in the last few years. You would think after a heart disease diagnosis that required open heart surgery, plus a blood staph infection and sepsis that ended up causing two surgeries, anything else would be easy. But what we have been through this month tops the others by far. This is the first time I have actually wondered if I was going to lose him. The days he was so sick that I was thinking about what I was going to tell our kids and what life will look like moving forward were the worst days of my life. I couldn’t help but think about that heartache I went through 9 years ago and I knew what it would be like for them. His mind went to the same places and my heart broke to know that too. God looked out for us and we got a happy ending but this few weeks once again has us forever changed. Even if I’m not sure exactly how yet I’m thankful it did not take that same kind of grief to get there. 

We broke plenty of times during this ordeal but it brought us closer because I think he knows no matter how stressful the situation I will never stop fighting for him whether it be for the best care or what will make him comfortable. And no matter how weak he feels he always stays fiercely protective of me and on my side.  There was one day I looked him in the eye and told him he could not stop fighting. I knew his body was tired but I could tell in his eyes that he would not give up. And he didn’t.

We’re about to start traveling and doing more things as a family. Making memories with our kids is our #1 priority. I don’t know how many times God has to remind us to not take anything for granted but this time I think it will stick. I’ve never known that kind of fear and it’s not something that will be quickly forgotten. It also made me realize how important it is to have a tribe of people. We had family come look after our girls and friends that took them for play dates. 

I think of the 17 days he was in the hospital there were only 5 that dinner wasn’t delivered to our house. And another two weeks are planned after we get home. If it weren’t for all of this I may not have been able to focus on Matt as much as I wanted to. I believe in the power of prayer and the hundreds of people praying pulled off a miracle. We owe God for this and I will be working for him and paying the kindness of my friends forward. 

(A blanket for Matt made by my Aunt’s Bible study group) And it was definitely a God thing that our pastor happen to be at a training here in the hospital in Houston and was able to come by Tuesday and Wednesday this week. Matt was too tired in Bossier to have visitors but it’s amazing we were able to still get to see him.

Today we finally get to go home. The next several months will be long. I’m going to quarantine him for a week or two until he heals a little more because right now “a cold could be disastrous.”  Doctors say it will be 2-3 months until he has full energy back and up to a year for full pulmonary function. His cardiologist says he hopes he finally understands that he can’t be as active as he has been. (Only time will tell for that 😉)

But the girls and I will be right by his side cheering him on.